Thursday, November 20, 2008

I am ashamed of myself!

This evening I threw a complete temper tantrum. I was not proud of it but I was so completely beyond frustrated with the old Frog, aka my DH, and that stupid World of War Craft game. Tonight was the Christmas parade in town. My Girl Scout troop decided to take part in it so I had to be at the meeting place by 5. So I am trying to get ready. I needed to find Bethanie and I some Christmas hats to wear so I needed to get up in the attic to get into the Christmas decorations. I get the baby to sleep (my sister's baby who I babysit for) but as soon as I go to lay her down she wakes up. So I let her play, ask DH to watch her and head to the bedroom. She starts fussing, I yell into to him asking if he could please deal with her so I can finish getting our stuff together. She continues to cry. Finally I get mad and go get her. I sit down and try to get her to go to sleep again. She did but again she woke up as soon as I layed her down. This time I put her in the swing in hopes that she would go back to sleep. She started fussing when she saw me come back into the room to get something. I again ask him to deal with her so I can finish getting ready. Then she starts crying, a minute or so goes by and he's not responding to her, a few more minutes and she is still crying he's still too busy playing that game. Finally I go in there, grab her out of the swing and tell him "This is the reason I always leave here on Thursdays furious at you." In a not so nice tone. He screamed at me (I couldn't tell you the last time we actually fought, especially in front of the kids but tonight I just couldn't take it anymore.) Told me it was my fault she was fussing because I had come into the room. Why she was fussing wasn't even the point it was that he wasn't helping me at all as usual! So I take her in the room with me, get my clothes changed, get the girls all ready, then I take her back into the living room with him so I can make the hot chocolate for the GS after the parade. I told the girls to get their shoes and coats on. Elianna starts crying because she can't find her shoes, The baby is crying again because she is just tired and wanting to be held. I finally just joined in with them and started crying too because there he still sat playing that game. I get so mad I yell at Elianna (which didn't help matters because it just made me feel even worse), start throwing stuff looking for Elianna's shoes, slam the door a few times, kick something out of my way on the floor. Finally, he helped...he got one of the girls coats down on the coat rack for them....I was in shock that his behind was off the couch! I finally finish getting our stuff together and take the kids to hook them in the van. I had forgotten my coat so I go back in the house, I told him I appreciate the little that he did do to help me but wished it didn't take me throwing a temper tantrum to get him to finally do it. Then I told him I despised that game and that I completely hated it ( I do not use "hate" often, I am trying to get Elianna to think of it as a bad word because I don't like hearing it come out of her mouth so I have been very careful not to say it lately). Then I left, got in the van and cried over half the way to the parade because I was so ashamed of how I acted in front of my girls. I told them I was really sorry, we went to the parade and we had a good time. After the parade we go out to eat. We finally got home at almost 9:30 and guess what the old frog was doing???? You guessed it.....still playing that game!!

I think the old frog has a very addictive personality. He gets hooked on something and it becomes the most important thing to him. Right now that thing is his game. I know I should be thankful that it is only his game, I know there are a lot worse things in this world to be addicted to that could easily tear our family apart. But I do really hate that game. This is how things go almost EVERY night. He gets home from work around 3:30, comes in takes off his coat, gets him something to drink, takes his boots and socks off. Then he takes his pants off and spends the evening in his boxers. Then he sits down on the couch, grabs his laptop, puts on his earphones and starts playing. He does NOTHING else the rest of the evening 'cept sit on the couch and play that game until it's time for him to go to bed. He turns it off and goes to bed, seriously no more than 5 minutes between the time the game is off and he is asleep. Any time I try to talk to him I usually end up saying something to him 2 or 3 times before he finally hears me. If I really need him for something, I have to wait till he is at a stopping point. Yet he doesn't understand why I get so frustrated at him. I believe he got that game back in April, maybe May and everyday but 2 has been just like I explained above. One was because the games server was down, can you say grouch city for him that night. The other night was because he had worked 16 hours that day, he came home and went right to bed. On the rare chance that he gets a day off, he is up for less than 5 minutes before he is right back at playing it. He is missing out on SO much yet I just can't get that through to him. Sometimes I wonder just how much longer I can take it. I have considered "accidentally" falling with a huge glass of something, spilling it right on his laptop. Or taking the thing and throwing it outside while he is at work. But I know all those things will just make things even worse.

Please, if you will, say a prayer for us, for our marriage, for him that he will open his eyes and see all that he is missing, and for me that I can make it through this. If you're still here reading this, THANK YOU for letting me pour my frustrations out on you.


Anonymous said...

Oh Sarah! I am sending big hugs to you!!!! I know it can be so frustrating.....there just aren't words....but know that I will be praying for you guys entirely!!! If you ever need anything, including an ear....mine is always available!!!! Love ya!


tafkalorelei said... sorry girl. ((((hugs)))) I will keep you guys in my prayers. Holla at me if you need to talk.

Jen said...

((((((hugs)))))) Sarah. So sorry to hear all this, and I"ll definitely be praying. He's probably not the kind of person that would be affected by a song, but that old one called Cat's in the Cradle always gets to me.......

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