Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day!

Late March of 2000, that was when I found out I was going to be a mommy for the first time. You could say that is when I BECAME a mother because as soon as I got those results of a positive pregnancy blood test, I loved my baby, I would have done anything and everything to protect my baby, I did everything I could to give my baby the best start in life. First after only a few weeks into the pregnancy I started spotting, I felt completely helpless, I had no control. Thankfully, my fears were not coming true, baby was fine. I only had an infection and some hormone levels were low, both were "fixable" with meds. I looked forward to getting huge, having people feel my rock hard belly, and seeing and feeling the babies kicks. I actually looked forward to getting heart burn, sleepless/uncomfortable nights, labor starting all on it's own, possibly even my water breaking at the most embarrassing time. I hoped for a completely natural birth, no pain meds were in my plans. I was more scared of the thought of a shot than I was of pushing a big ol' baby out a not so big hole. I dreamed of pushing her out and when the doctor lays her on my chest I would give her a kiss and tell her how much I loved her. I couldn't wait to feed her the mild that my body made for her. Yet, no matter what I dreamed of or hoped for, no matter what I did or could have done, my body failed me and my baby. At the very beginning of my second trimester, when I should have been getting over morning sickness and having more energy, instead my blood pressure started to rise. Over the next 13 weeks, I started BP meds and numerous times had to increase the dosage as my BP just kept rising. Then on Tuesday night, August 29th, after a weekend of headaches and another rise in BP med dosage, my back just would NOT stop hurting. Finally I went to the hospital, thinking I was just being a wimp, after all it's NORMAL to have back pain while pregnant, right? Only I wasn't normal. The doctor ended up keeping me for what he said would be a 24 hour observation. Before the 24 hours was even up, I got the bad news, I had Pre-eclampsia and needed to be sent to a hospital with an NICU. I don't remember there being any mention then of needing to deliver right away, the doctor had said "just in case the baby would have to be delivered early". Then when I got to the "big" hospital, they said I would be there till baby was born. I remember thinking, wow, 13 weeks in the hospital that's 1 1/2 hours from home, not what I had planned but anything for the safety of my baby. Well those 13 weeks I was looking at, turned out to be a mere 3 days! On September 3, 2000 Bethanie Ann was born by emergency c-section, 13 weeks before she was suppose to, weighing only 1 pound 12 ounces, while I slept and completely missed it all. It was almost 24 hours later before I got to see her for the first time and another 20 days before I would ever get to hold her in my arms. Besides there being a baby, NOTHING about the birth was what I had hoped or dreamed of.

As I thought about what I wanted to post about on this Mother's Day, I knew I wanted it to be about me becoming a mother yet no matter what thoughts ran through my head, PE was always part of the thoughts. At first that frustrated me immensely. Then I really thought about it. Yes, PE robbed me of all my dreams of pregnancy and giving birth BUT, PE also made me the mother I am today. If it wasn't for PE I would more than likely never have became a stay-at-home mom, I may have not realized how truly blessed I am to have 2 healthy children. I would have loved my children no matter what, but I probably would not have realized how special they truly are.

So to all of you mother's out there that PE robbed you of your dreams, to those of you that were robbed of getting to meet your child before their last breath, and even to all of you that did have your dream pregnancy and delivery...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!


Amy said...

Happy Mother's Day to you! I too had PE lingering in my mind all day yesterday, especially with another baby on the way. My mother's day wish was that this pregnancy might be different, that I might get a chance to have a "normal" pregnancy this time around. I'm not sure what my odds of that are, but all I can do is hope and pray, right? (((hugs)))

Sarah said...

Amy, Hope you had a great Mother's Day as well! ((((HUGS)))) Hope and Prayer is what got me through my pregnancy with Elianna. I prayed every day and when I would feel most stressed I begged God to let me have a healthy baby. And that's why Elianna is named Elianna Hope. Elianna means "God answers" and Hope because that's what I relied on for 9 months :) I hope and will pray that you have a healthy pregnancy like I did with Elianna. It was an unbelievable experience, no, I didn't go med free and I didn't get to push her out because I had a repeat c-section BUT I will NEVER complain about that because I was healthy and she was BIG and healthy. (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Happy belated Mom's day Sarah! I love the meaning of Elianna's name - - I never knew that!

Jen said...

How did I miss this, Sarah? So sorry for the belated comment, but I loved your Mother's Day post, and felt like it represented soooo many of the same feelings I have about pregnancy experiences, etc. ((((((hugs)))))) and you're exactly right about the way in which PE really makes us appreciate what we have.

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